Top 65 amazing daniel tosh quotes

Top 65 amazing daniel tosh quotes,Collection of funny quotes, jokes and sayings by comedian Daniel Tosh.

daniel tosh quotes

Daniel Tosh is a comedian and television host from West Germany. He is most famous for his outlandish stand up routines and his highly popular show, Tosh.0, on Comedy Central. 


1.
Am I getting smart with you? … how would you know? – Daniel Tosh


2.
Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t enjoy it as an adult. – Daniel Tosh


3.
Babies aren’t dishwasher-safe. – Daniel Tosh


4.
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You’re gonna have to work. Yep. – Daniel Tosh


5.
Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him. – Daniel Tosh


6.
By the way, everything I say is wrong; I’m a complete hypocrite. I’ve dated girls with boob jobs, breast enlargements, but she was an A cup and that’s gross. Get it fixed girls, you’re not even a real woman. – Daniel Tosh


7.
Don’t you love it when people in school are like, “I’m a bad test taker”? You mean, you’re stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I’m a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson’s. – Daniel Tosh


8.
Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I’d be like, “Hey, so I guess I’ll see you later,” and he’s, like, “Whatever, queer”. That’s a hate crime! – Daniel Tosh


9.
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys. – Daniel Tosh

 

10.
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.' – Daniel Tosh


11.
I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out. – Daniel Tosh


12.
I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What WOULD Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell. – Daniel Tosh


13.
I apologize if there’s a Parkinson’s painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon. – Daniel Tosh


14.
I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit. – Daniel Tosh


15.
I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower. – Daniel Tosh


16.
I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so… I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities. – Daniel Tosh


17.
I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida. – Daniel Tosh


18.
I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on CSI. – Daniel Tosh


19.
I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension. – Daniel Tosh


20.
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying. – Daniel Tosh


21.
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I’m gonna be pissed. – Daniel Tosh


22.
I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I’m tired of walking 5K. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to sweat for cancer. I’ll write a check. – Daniel Tosh


23.
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts. – Daniel Tosh


24.
I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend’s wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they’re slimy, even though we know they’re not. – Daniel Tosh

 

25.
I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. – Daniel Tosh


26.
I started my own foundation. If you aren’t familiar with it, it’s called ‘Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze? – Daniel Tosh


27.
I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.' – Daniel Tosh


28.
I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this. – Daniel Tosh


29.
I’m actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house…  – Daniel Tosh


30.
I’m all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake…We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don’t want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I’m happy, or at least I look like it. – Daniel Tosh

 

31.
If "no" meant "no" then every man would die a virgin. – Daniel Tosh


32.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff? – Daniel Tosh

 

33.
If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background? – Daniel Tosh


34.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect! – Daniel Tosh

 

35.
I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake. – Daniel Tosh


36.
I'm gonna be cremated from the neck down. Yeah, then at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience, and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits, or you have to start the whole service over. – Daniel Tosh

 

37.
I'm not honest, but you're interesting. (responding to "I'm not religious, I'm spiritual.") – Daniel Tosh


38.
In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows. – Daniel Tosh


39.
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip. – Daniel Tosh


40.
Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.' – Daniel Tosh


41.
It’s not a stereotype if it’s always true. – Daniel Tosh


42.
It's funny… you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing… the line you are not to cross. – Daniel Tosh


43.
It's not a stereotype if it's always true. – Daniel Tosh


44.
It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me. – Daniel Tosh


45.
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control. – Daniel Tosh


46.
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson'. – Daniel Tosh


47.
My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had… so he sent me to a girls school. – Daniel Tosh


48.
One time I put a WWJD bracelet on my Jewish friend’s wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We hate snakes. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they’re not. – Daniel Tosh


49.
She's playing with a dead squirrel, or what white trash call fur coat Barbie. A real Barbie might give her an eating disorder, but at least she won't get full blown rabies. – Daniel Tosh


50.
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.' – Daniel Tosh


51.
That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. – Daniel Tosh


52.
The first thing Michael Phelps should have done when that photo came out was call Kobe Bryant’s publicist. Cuz Kobe was accused of rape, and all he had to do was settle in court for millions of dollars, change his jersey number and win a championship and that soulless town in LA couldn’t be prouder. I just hope that when parents let their kids run around in #24 jerseys,they have the decency to say: ‘well come on, number 8 was the rapist. Number 24 has a great work ethic and an unblockable turnaround.’ – Daniel Tosh


53.
The floor is lava! That’s the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture. I see some of you don’t get that. I don’t care, that’s okay. You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing; you were poor. I’d tell my mom, “I want a Nintendo.” and she’d reply “The floor is lava!” “What’s wrong with our house? Why can’t we afford better carpeting? It’s called two jobs, bitch!” That’s how I used to talk. I was very street. – Daniel Tosh


54.
The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid. – Daniel Tosh


55.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny …' – Daniel Tosh


56.
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? – Daniel Tosh


57.
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault. – Daniel Tosh

 

58.
The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes. – Daniel Tosh


59.
Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'. – Daniel Tosh


60.
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad. – Daniel Tosh


61.
You are a sick freak who should be beaten. – Daniel Tosh


62.
You ever hear girls say that? “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.” I like to reply with “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting! – Daniel Tosh


63.
You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable! – Daniel Tosh


64.
You know your girlfriend is too young when she’ll do everything in bed but go upside down because it’s too scary. – Daniel Tosh


65.
You should never eat when you’re on the toilet. “But I’m lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!” That’s more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream. – Daniel Tosh

 

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