funny inspirational quotes and sayings of all time

funny inspirational quotes and sayings of all time

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“Laughter is an instant vacation.” -Milton Berle


“Laughter is a weapon of mass construction. ”- Kat Caverly


“Jeod shrugged. "Not anymore. I'm afraid I've degenerated into a bibliophile.” ― Christopher Paolini 


“I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.”- Henny Youngman


“It's okay to look at the past and the future. Just don't stare.”- Anonymous


“It's good to shut up sometimes.”- Marcel Marceau


“It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.”- Franklin P. Jones


“It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.” – Eugene Ionesco Decouvertes


“It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.” – Fred Allen


“In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is.”- Chuck Reid


“If you're going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill


“If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big.” – Donald Trump


“If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now. ”- Marie Osmond


“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? ”- George Carlin


“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. ”- Dalai Lama


“If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.”- Mark Twain


“If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck.” – Elvis Presley


“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”― Bette Davis


“If you fall, I’ll always be there.” – The Floor


“If you end up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it. ”- Frank Zappa


“If you don't know how to die, don't worry; Nature will tell you what to do on the spot, fully and adequately. She will do this job perfectly for you; don't bother your head about it.” – Montaigne


“If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.” – Unknown


“If you are afraid of being lonely, don't try to be right.” – Jules Renard


“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”– Unknown


“If laughter is the best medicine, let's OD together.” ― Michael P. Clutton


“If at first you don't succeed, think how many people you've made happy.”– H. Duane Black


“I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.” – Louis C.K.


“I’m 59 and people call me middle aged. How many 118 year old men do you know?” -Barry Cryer


“I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess.” – Cassandra Duffy


“I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.”– Tom Lehrer


“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.”- Mark Twain


“I used to believe my father about everything but then I had children myself & now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”― Brian Andreas


“I realized I was officially a professional writer when all my plans began with “drink coffee” and ended with “take a nap.” – cassandra Duffy


“I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.”- Harry S Truman


“I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.”- Will Rogers 


“I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.”- Yogi Berra


“I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright


“I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches. ”- Alice Roosevelt Longworth


“I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet.” — Denis Waitley


I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.”– Groucho Marx

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” – Benjamin Franklin


“I cannot afford to waste my time making money. ”- Louis Agassiz


“I believe in the discipline of silence, and could talk for hours about it.”– George Bernard Shaw


“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”- Oscar Wilde


“I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.” — Woody Allen


“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”- Mark Twain


“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin


“Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted. ”- Martin Luther King, Jr.


“Hope is the dream of the waking man.” – Aristotle


“Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.”- Franklin P. Jones


“Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive it isn’t.” – Richard Bach


“Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.”- George Bernard Shaw


“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”-David Frost


“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo…on your face. You better be committed.”- Eat Pray Love screenplay


“Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat.”- Harry Emerson Fosdick


“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” – Albert Einstein


“Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.”– David Rosam


“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.” – La Rochefoucald


“God helps those who strut their stuff.” ― Dan Sofer, A Love and Beyond


“Give me a stock clerk with a goal and I'll give you a man who will make history. Give me a man with no goals and I'll give you a stock clerk.” – J.C. Penney


“Follow your dreams, except for the one where you're naked in church.”- Rev. David Ault


“Focus, focus, focus! What am I, a telescope?!” – Naruto Uzumaki


“Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.” – Unknown


“Families are like fudge… mostly sweet with a few nuts.” — Author Unknown


“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” – Truman Capote


“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”― P.J. O’Rourke


“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers


“Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.”- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach


“Edison failed 10, 000 times before he made the electric light. Do not be discouraged if you fail a few times. ”- Napoleon Hill


E“at well, stay fit, die anyway.”– Ahmad


“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.” – James Dean


“Don't wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel, stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself.”– Sara Henderson


“Don't mind your make-up, you'd better make your mind up.”- Frank Zappa 


“Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” — Mark Twain


“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles Schulz


“Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing ’til it gets there.” – Josh Billings


“Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous”- Albert Einstein


“Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is! ”-Jeffrey Gitomer


“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”– Robert Frost


“Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not.”- Vaclav Havel


“Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.” – Mark Twain 


“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.” — Mark Twain


“Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.”- Mark Twain


“A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often” -Oliver Herford


“A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks. ”– Charles Gordy


“A smile confuses an approaching frown. ”– Author Unknown


“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs — jolted by every pebble in the road.”– Henry Ward Beecher


“A peacock that rests on his feathers is just another turkey.”- Dolly Parton


“A good time for laughing is when you can.”- Jessamyn West


“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” – Unknown


“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin

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