A collection of Famous comedian’s best 89 quotes about George Carlin

A collection of Famous comedian's best 89 quotes about George Carlin

George Carlin quotes

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American comedian, social critic, actor, and author. Carlin was noted for his black comedy and his thoughts on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. Carlin and his "Seven dirty words" comedy routine were central to the 1978 U.S. Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a 5–4 decision affirmed the government's power to regulate indecent material on the public airwaves. (via: Wikipedia)



“You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“You can’t argue with a good blowjob.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?” – George Carlin quotes

 

“What was the best thing before sliced bread?” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."” – George Carlin quotes

 

“The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“The future will soon be a thing of the past.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“It's never just a game when you're winning.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it'll be much harder to detect.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!” – George Carlin quotes

 

“If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?” – George Carlin quotes

 

“If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?” – George Carlin quotes

 

“If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!” – George Carlin quotes

 

“I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?” – George Carlin quotes

 


“God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.” – George Carlin quotes

 

“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.” – George Carlin quotes

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